


LIKE A PARASITIC DISEASE WAS SLOWLY REPLACING MY MIND WITH ITS NAUSEATING, JAGGED, TECHNICOLOR PIXELS

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:39:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21706096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat discuss comics.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 14
Kudos: 161





	LIKE A PARASITIC DISEASE WAS SLOWLY REPLACING MY MIND WITH ITS NAUSEATING, JAGGED, TECHNICOLOR PIXELS

KARKAT: DAVE, YOU’VE GOTTA HELP ME OUT HERE. I AM TRULY AT A LOSS.  
KARKAT: HOW IN THE *FUCK* IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?  
DAVE: its ironic  
KARKAT: DAVE, NO. THIS IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE DEFINITION OF “IRONIC.”  
DAVE: what yeah sure it is  
KARKAT: I MEAN... UGH, OKAY. I *GUESS* I COULD SEE HOW IT COULD WORK, IF I TILT MY HEAD AND SQUINT MY EYES REALLY FUCKING TIGHT...  
DAVE: okay solid start talk me through it bro whatchu got  
DAVE: dont worry i can handle constructive criticism  
KARKAT: WELL... YOU APPROACH A COMIC EXPECTING IT TO BE FUNNY. OR AT THE VERY LEAST EXPECTING IT TO HAVE EVEN THE SLIGHTEST SHRED OF ARTISTIC, CULTURAL, OR INTELLECTUAL MERIT.  
KARKAT: AND THEN YOU GET... THIS.  
DAVE: yeah exactly  
KARKAT: OKAY, IF THAT’S *ACTUALLY* WHAT YOU WERE GOING FOR, THAT’S ONE THING. BUT I REALLY GET THE SENSE THAT YOU THINK THERE’S SOMETHING BIGGER GOING ON HERE.  
KARKAT: THERE’S NOTHING INHERENTLY IRONIC ABOUT SOMEBODY FALLING DOWN A BUNCH OF STAIRS, DAVE. YOU DO KNOW THAT, RIGHT?  
DAVE: obviously i know that goddamn karkat did you ever stop to think that insisting this comic is ironic is just another carefully crafted layer in the delicate buttery croissant that is the entire ironic experience?  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: no of course not  
DAVE: jesus what an amateur i gotta teach you everything dont i  
DAVE: thank god i got to you in time before your humor sensors hardened completely and you became a total lost cause  
KARKAT: YEAH YOU’RE REALLY DOING ME A SOLID HERE DAVE, GOD KNOWS I DON’T WANT FUCKING HARD HUMOR SENSORS.  
DAVE: what no obviously theyre gonna be hard no matter what thats what happens when you grow up goddamn  
DAVE: just thanks to me theyre gonna get molded into something that at least bears some resemblance to a thing thats not an utter colossal embarrassment  
KARKAT: WELL YOU’RE DOING A SHITTY JOB, THEN, DAVE, BECAUSE I’VE FUCKING SEEN THIS ONE ALREADY! YOU’RE JUST USING OLD MATERIAL ON ME! THAT’S THE LOWEST OF THE LOW AND FRANKLY EXTREMELY INSULTING!  
DAVE: wait  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: hold the fuckin phone  
DAVE: just pick that phone up and carry it around in your hand all day like a doofus  
DAVE: no sorry i cant shake your hand mr president i got this fuckin stupid phone to deal with and it is taking up all of my concentration  
KARKAT: ??  
DAVE: yeah i guess i could use my other hand but you know what i already dug myself deep enough in this hole and embarrassed myself in fronta the leader of the free world i feel like for the sake of my own dignity i really gotta own it and just give you a ridiculous formal lil half bow instead  
DAVE: cause obviously i gotta save face but im not gonna NOT show you any respect shit what do you take me for  
KARKAT: DAVE!!  
DAVE: yeah whats up  
KARKAT: !  
DAVE: oh snap sorry got off track there you know what thoughts of obama do to my head  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS AN OBAMA?  
DAVE: oh ho-ly shit you dont know obama we gotta get you caught up  
DAVE: hes only the greatest living human and by living i mean exploded by meteors a couple weeks back  
DAVE: well dang that is just a huge bummer of a realization isnt it  
DAVE: what the fuck karkat whyd you make me think about that  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD DAVE, I *THINK* YOU WERE TRYING TO COMMUNICATE SOMETHING TO ME FIVE MINUTES AGO. THAT’S WHY I’M HOLDING THIS FUCKING “PHONE.”  
KARKAT: WAS IT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO TRY TO CLAW OUR WAY BACK UP THE ROCKSLIDE-PRONE SLOPE OF YOUR DERANGED MIND, OR SHOULD I JUST GET ON WITH MY LIFE?  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: oh right  
DAVE: my comic  
DAVE: you fuckin read it  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: sweet bro and hella jeff  
DAVE: you recognize it  
DAVE: you read this shit already  
KARKAT: YEAH, I DID. SO WHAT?  
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH “READING” IS A GIGANTIC FUCKING STRETCH TO DESCRIBE WHAT I HAD TO DO TO TAKE THIS GARBAGE IN.  
KARKAT: I PRETTY MUCH HAD TO LASH MYSELF TO A CHAIR IN CASE THE VISUAL ONSLAUGHT BECAME TOO MUCH AND CAUSED ME TO LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS, WHICH IT DEFINITELY DID.  
KARKAT: AND AS THE BLACKNESS TOOK ME, WITH EVERY SINGLE JPEG ARTIFACT THAT BORED ITS WAY INTO MY EYES, I COULD DISTINCTLY FEEL A BRAIN CELL WITHERING AND DYING AND FLOATING LAZILY OUT OF MY EARS AS THE DESSICATED, WISPY HUSK OF MY FORMER INTELLIGENCE THAT IT WAS.  
KARKAT: IT WAS LIKE A PARASITIC DISEASE WAS SLOWLY REPLACING MY MIND WITH ITS NAUSEATING, JAGGED, TECHNICOLOR PIXELS.  
KARKAT: WHEN I FINALLY CAME TO IT HAD TAKEN CONTROL OF MY BODY, UNDONE THE LASHES, AND FORCED ME TO CRAWL OUT INTO THE WOODS SO I COULD DIE IN THE MOST OPPORTUNE PLACE FOR ITS WRITHING OFFSPRING TO EMERGE FROM MY CORPSE AND SEEK OUT NEW VICTIMS, THUS PERPETUATING THE UNHOLY CIRCLE OF LIFE OF MISSPELLED WORDS AND EGREGIOUSLY RE-PURPOSED PANELS.  
DAVE: yeah that sounds right that is exactly the intended experience  
DAVE: im so glad you appreciate my art correctly karkat i cant tell you how happy that makes me  
DAVE: BUT  
DAVE: and this is a but somehow even bigger than those of the titular characters before you  
DAVE: which since youve apparently already fucking read it all you can understand is quite the protruding bulbous but indeed...  
DAVE: i never showed you sweet bro and hella jeff before  
KARKAT: WHAT? YES YOU DID!  
DAVE: no no no dude  
DAVE: i most absolutely did not  
DAVE: i would remember a thing like that  
DAVE: this comic is special to me karkat  
DAVE: it is a piece of me  
DAVE: it represents my deepest and innermost parts  
KARKAT: FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR OWN MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH, THAT HAD BETTER NOT BE FUCKING TRUE!  
DAVE: i dont show this comic to just anyone karkat  
DAVE: twould be... indecent  
DAVE: improper  
DAVE: coquettish  
KARKAT: YOU FUCKING SHOWED IT TO TEREZI!  
DAVE: yeah i did  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: WELL THEN I MUST HAVE FUCKING GOTTEN IT FROM HER! SHE MUST HAVE SHOWN ME!  
DAVE: did she?  
DAVE: you want me to ask her i can call her right now  
KARKAT: NO DON’T CALL HER!!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD THIS IS PATENTLY RIDICULOUS AND I AM NOT GOING ALONG WITH IT! I REFUSE TO PLAY INTO THIS PERVERSE LITTLE SCENARIO YOU’RE WORKING UP! I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN, AND I HOPE IT LANDS ON YOUR STUPID FACE!  
KARKAT: THIS COMIC ISN’T ACTUALLY SPECIAL TO YOU! IT ISN’T ACTUALLY IMPORTANT.  
KARKAT: IT IS LITERALLY, DEFINITIONALLY WORTHLESS TRASH THAT YOU FOR SOME REASON HAVE DECIDED IS “IRONIC,” EVEN THOUGH IT SO OBVIOUSLY ISN’T!  
KARKAT: IS THAT IT? IS THE FACT THAT THIS THING’S EXISTENCE BETRAYS THE SHEER FLIMSINESS OF YOUR GRASP ON THIS TENET THAT YOU HOLD SO DEAR TO YOUR SENSE OF SELF? IS IT SPECIAL BECAUSE IT PROVES BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT THAT YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT EVER?  
KARKAT: NO WAIT NO! GOD DAMMIT.  
KARKAT: IT’S *NOT* SPECIAL! IT’S NOT! YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO FUCK WITH ME AND MAKE ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT THE MOST STUPID SHIT IMAGINABLE, AND IT’S NOT GOING TO FUCKING WORK!  
KARKAT: YES! I LOOKED AT YOUR SHITTY GODAWFUL COMIC! I SAW TEREZI READING IT OR SMELLING IT OR WHATEVER AND I TYPED IN THAT URL AND I CLICKED ON  
KARKAT: EVERY.  
KARKAT: SINGLE.  
KARKAT: ONE.  
KARKAT: ARE YOU HAPPY? IS THAT THE “CONFESSION” YOU WANTED SO BADLY TO WRING OUT OF ME?  
KARKAT: BECAUSE THERE IT IS!  
KARKAT: NOW I DEFY TO YOU TO DO ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY WORTHWHILE WITH IT, BECAUSE I AM CONFIDENT THAT THAT WAS THE EXTENT OF YOUR WHOLE PLAN, JUST MAKING ME FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS FOR NO GOOD REASON.  
KARKAT: BUT YOU MISSED THE FUCKING MARK, STRIDER. YOU MISSED SO BAD YOU SHOT STRAIGHT UP INTO THE SKY AND NOW YOUR STUPID FUCKING ATTEMPT AT EMBARRASSING ME IS ROCKETING BACK DOWN TOWARD YOUR OWN UPTURNED, SLACK JAWED FACE, GAINING SPEED AT WHATEVER FUCKING RATE IS NORMAL ON YOUR SHITHOLE OF A PLANET!  
DAVE: dude why am i shooting at you on MY planet  
DAVE: did you come visit me  
DAVE: thats real sweet karkat did you read my comic online and track me down at my apartment to tell me youre my number one fan?  
DAVE: sure ill sign your horns dude but after this seriously you gotta respect my space okay i am a real person with a real life and also apparently a bow and arrow you gotta recognize my boundaries  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD YOU ARE NOT *SIGNING* MY *HORNS!*  
KARKAT: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME WEREN’T YOU *JUST* BABBLING SOMETHING ABOUT BOUNDARIES!??  
DAVE: cmon man youre the one who came to my house  
KARKAT: NO I FUCKING DIDN’T! I DID NOTHING OF THE SORT! YOUR HOUSE PROBABLY DOESN’T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE!  
DAVE: yeah but you did read my comic and that is basically exactly tantamount to if not an even greater invasion of my privacy  
KARKAT: I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING INSANE! I HAVE ACTUALLY CAUGHT INSANITY FROM YOU! CAN HUMANS DO THAT??  
DAVE: when did you do it  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: when did you go lookin for my comic  
DAVE: was it on that first day  
DAVE: did you get one look at me on your lil purple laptop and say god DAMN i gotta know what makes this guy tick  
DAVE: just gotta get all up in his creative juices?  
KARKAT: AAAUUUUGH!!  
DAVE: you totally did didnt you  
KARKAT: NO!!!  
KARKAT: IN CASE YOU DON’T REMEMBER I HAD MUCH BIGGER FISH TO FRY THAT DAY THAN YOU AND YOUR STUPID CHUCKLEFUCKY “IRONIC” JPEG DISTORTION AND HINDQUARTER FIXATION!  
DAVE: ohhh shit thats right you couldnt even give me the time of day then  
DAVE: thats when you were busy all fawnin over john  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: I WASN’T!  
KARKAT: ...OH MY GOD HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?  
KARKAT: OH FUCK DID JOHN *SHOW* YOU??????  
DAVE: SHOW me??  
DAVE: show me WHAT???  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: please tell me  
DAVE: that you did not send  
DAVE: to my beautiful sweet baby boy john  
DAVE: my best bro and darling innocent idiot of an angel  
DAVE: whose purity makes the very driven snow look like a sloppy lil slut at 3am  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: a dick pic  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS A DICK PIC??  
DAVE: you know!  
DAVE: a dick pic  
DAVE: or like a bulge pic or whatever the fuck you got goin on down there  
KARKAT: ???  
DAVE: a photo of your junk  
KARKAT: !!!!!!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY SAY THAT TO ME??  
KARKAT: I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO ENUMERATE HOW MANY LINES YOU ARE CROSSING HERE BY SUGGESTING THIS!  
KARKAT: LINES OF PROPRIETY!  
KARKAT: LINES OF BASIC COMMON DECENCY!  
KARKAT: LINES OF PRESUMPTION ABOUT THE VERY FIBROUS CORE OF MY MORAL CHARACTER!  
KARKAT: I’M GOING TO BE SICK! I AM LITERALLY GOING TO VOMIT ALL OVER YOUR SHITTY FUCKING COMIC AND HONESTLY I THINK IT’LL BE A HUGE IMPROVEMENT, BUT I WON’T BE ABLE TO APPRECIATE IT AESTHTEICALLY BECAUSE I’LL BE TOO BUSY GULPING DOWN EVERY EDIBLE OR INEDIBLE OBJECT I CAN REACH JUST SO I CAN REURGITATE IT TO CONTINUE TO PROPERLY EXPRESS HOW FUCKING *DISGUSTED* I AM BY YOUR INSINUATION!!!  
DAVE: goddamn dude if youre tryna defend your honor or whatever maybe dont let your hyperbole swerve so far into fuckin “swallowing everything in sight” territory  
DAVE: gonna make a man blush  
KARKAT: OH FUUUUCK YOU!  
DAVE: shit youve been ranting so long i kinda got lost and im not sure where exactly we landed on the whole dick pic question in the end...  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD I DIDN’T!  
KARKAT: I WOULD *NEVER*!  
DAVE: then what did you think he showed me?  
DAVE: whatd you send my poor boy john a picture of?  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD IT WASN’T A PICTURE!!  
KARKAT: IT WAS A CONVERSATION!!!  
KARKAT: JUST A REALLY... REALLY AWKWARD CONVERSATION.  
KARKAT: WHERE I MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN WAY AHEAD OF MYSELF AND... SAID SOME VERY FORWARD THINGS TO HIM.  
DAVE: oh what the hell man THATS what youre all worked up for  
DAVE: i know all ABOUT that  
DAVE: remember we talked about it in the fruity rumpus asshole factory  
KARKAT: OH FUCK YOU’RE RIGHT.  
DAVE: damn those were the days  
DAVE: just three good bros, none of whom have actually ever physically met, really layin their feelings bare and talkin bout sloppy makeout seshes and secret crushes and, if i recall correctly, my lips  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!  
DAVE: hey you dont gotta be embarrassed most of that conversation was just about how many aliens wanna mack on me its not like youre special or anything  
DAVE: its just natural  
KARKAT: THAT IS *NOT* ALL WE TALKED ABOUT DAVE OH MY GOD WE WERE *TALKING* ABOUT GETTING THE FUCKING *SCRATCH* TO WORK!  
DAVE: yeah yeah but it just devolved into makeout talk pretty fuckin quick  
DAVE: thats just what you get i guess when the fate of multiple universes is placed in the hands of a buncha super horny 13 year olds  
KARKAT: AARRRGHHH!!  
DAVE: man we were such babes in the wilderness back then huh  
DAVE: as opposed to now, when we are completely and totally grown up due to being a whole entire three weeks older  
DAVE: and like twice as wiser  
KARKAT: WHY, BECAUSE YOU DID ALL THAT FUCKING TIME TRAVELLING?  
DAVE: no i just mean like weve actually really grown up a lot im gettin real now karkat keep the fuck up damn  
DAVE: weve done so much shit  
DAVE: lost old friends, made new ones, traveled the fucking cosmos  
DAVE: like i did more in that one or depending how you look at it three days than i did in the whole rest of my life, easy  
DAVE: i mean holy shit i fuckin exploded myself to bits and came back to life to literally give birth to both our universes  
DAVE: and you uh i donno...  
DAVE: got a new shirt?  
KARKAT: NO I FUCKING DIDN’T!  
DAVE: oh well chin up bud maybe youll do somethin that cool someday  
KARKAT: OH FUCK YOU STRIDER!  
DAVE: naw you know what, you read my comic  
DAVE: that is a formative experience in any young mans life and it should be celebrated as such  
DAVE: dude speakin of which how the fuck can you make the fruity rumpus asshole factory and not like my nonsense?  
DAVE: that shit is a thousand percent my jam  
DAVE: we should totally be on the same page here  
KARKAT: I MADE THAT AS A FUCKING JOKE!!  
DAVE: oh yeah thats right sbahj is actually a window into my soul fuck forgot about that sorry  
KARKAT: AARRGH!  
DAVE: actually you know what i feel like were not on even footing anymore  
DAVE: since you decided to take it upon yourself to gaze into this very real and private opening into my psyche  
KARKAT: YOU WERE JUST FUCKING SHOWING IT TO ME NOW!!  
DAVE: yeah but on my terms  
DAVE: i judged you worthy karkat  
DAVE: after many sleepless nights of deliberation i decided to bare my soul and share this very special thing with you and what do i get  
DAVE: i get an “oh hell dave thats old fuckin news i saw that already i got my greasy mitts all up ins without you even knowin”  
DAVE: that is a huge breach of trust my dude  
KARKAT: NO IT FUCKING ISN’T!  
DAVE: oh yeah it is big time  
DAVE: you got this thing you can hold over my head now and i dont have jack on you despite all my best efforts  
KARKAT: ...WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR BEST EFFORTS?  
DAVE: dude i looked you up on the good old alternian wide web  
DAVE: found your name written in that troll chicken scratch in a book you gave me and pecked it out on your computer  
DAVE: and i couldnt find shit  
DAVE: karkat vantas man of mystery  
KARKAT: ARE YOU *FUCKING* KIDDING ME STRIDER???  
KARKAT: AFTER ALL THAT *FUSS* ABOUT “INVADING YOUR PRIVACY” YOU FUCKING DID THE SAME TO ME, *ON MY OWN COMPUTER??*  
DAVE: yeah dont worry i didnt get far i couldnt even read most of it  
DAVE: your internets in half troll speak and half english what the *fuck* is up with that??  
DAVE: and your documents are a total mess to navigate good god i couldnt get fucking anywhwere  
KARKAT: !!!!!!  
KARKAT: MY *DOCUMENTS*??  
KARKAT: ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?? OH MY GOD I REALLY DON’T THINK YOU FUCKING ARE!  
KARKAT: YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT, DAVE!! THAT IS *ACTUALLY* AN *ENORMOUS* BREACH OF TRUST!!  
DAVE: what no its not  
KARKAT: YES IT GODDAMN FUCKING IS!  
DAVE: computers are fair game everybody knows that why else would they just be lyin around?  
KARKAT: DAVE I HAVE *NO* IDEA HOW YOU STUMBLED INTO THAT LINE OF THINKING, BUT THAT IS NOT IN ANY WAY EVEN REMOTELY TRUE.  
KARKAT: AND I KNOW IT’S NOT SOME HUMAN BULLSHIT BECAUSE ROSE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT RESPECTFUL.  
KARKAT: A PERSON’S COMPUTER IS THEIR SAFE SPACE! IT IS THEIR MOST PRIVATE ZONE WHERE NO ONE AND I MEAN *NO ONE* ELSE IS ALLOWED TO TREAD!  
DAVE: ...really?  
KARKAT: YES REALLY! HOLY FUCK! WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU COULD’VE SEEN!  
DAVE: i just told you i didnt see shit goddamn  
DAVE: ...karkat are you actually mad about this or just your normal everyday level of apoplectic pissed off you know i really cant tell sometimes  
KARKAT: I’M ACTUALLY REALLY KIND OF FUCKING MAD, DAVE!!  
DAVE: oh shit  
KARKAT: I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK? WHERE DID YOU GET THE IDEA THAT THAT WAS AN OKAY THING TO DO??  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: i um  
DAVE: guess i just always thought that  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: hm  
DAVE: you know im sometimes starting to wonder if i might not have had the most normal upbringing  
KARKAT: OH GOD THAT’S RIGHT YOU WERE RAISED BY SOME HORRIFIC ADULT GENETIC CLONE OF YOU AND ROSE!  
KARKAT: THAT IS SO DISGUSTING!  
KARKAT: NO WONDER YOU NEVER LEARNED ANY GODDAMN MANNERS!  
DAVE: oh shut the fuck up you were raised by a crab  
KARKAT: YES I WAS AND THAT CRAB DID AN AMAZING JOB!  
DAVE: yeah well i... kinda dont think mine did  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: not my crab, i didnt have a fucking crab obviously  
DAVE: but my bro  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: im starting to maybe think he was actually...  
DAVE: not...  
DAVE: very good to me  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: at all  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: UM, DAVE? WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE?  
KARKAT: IS THIS SOME LONG CON WAY TO MAKE FUN OF ME?  
KARKAT: BECAUSE GREAT FUCKING JOB I GUESS, YOU’RE REALLY THROWING ME OFF THE SCENT!  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MY LUSUS SOMEHOW?  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: DAVE, I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS. SO JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE I’M GONNA THROW OUT A BIG “FUCK YOU” TO COUNTER WHATEVER THE SHIT IT IS YOU’RE UP TO RIGHT NOW.  
KARKAT: ...OKAY, HERE IT GOES!  
KARKAT: ...FUCK YOU, STRI-  
DAVE: oh shut the fuck up im not making fun of you jesus  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: ...im sorry i used your computer okay  
DAVE: i guess i didnt realize it was a problem at all even though now that i think about it for even one second its pretty fucking obvious that it shoulda been  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: so im sorry  
KARKAT: ...IT’S OKAY, DAVE.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: ...SO YOU DIDN’T FIND ANYTHING ABOUT ME ONLINE?  
DAVE: no nothin  
DAVE: but like i said i couldnt even read half of it  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: also troll google is hells more violent and sexy than earth google  
DAVE: and trust me that is SAYING SOMETHING  
DAVE: i mean goddamn you dont need to be able to read to interpret a lotta what was goin on there if you know what i mean  
DAVE: im pretty fucking relieved i didnt see you to be honest  
DAVE: i seriously dont need to be gettin a dick pic especially if john didnt even get one  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD PLEASE NEVER SAY DICK PIC AGAIN! YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIFETIME QUOTA IN THIS CONVERSATION! I HOPE IT WAS WORTH IT!  
DAVE: yeah it kinda was  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ANYWAY.  
KARKAT: I’M NOT SURPRISED YOU COULDN’T FIND ME. I, UH, KEPT A PRETTY... LOW PROFILE ONLINE FOR... A FEW REASONS I’D RATHER NOT GET INTO RIGHT NOW.  
DAVE: oh yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: thats fine  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: UM. I DIDN’T HAVE ANY KIND OF ONLINE PRESENCE UNDER MY REAL NAME...  
DAVE: ?  
KARKAT: BUT I DID... HAVE A BLOG.  
DAVE: oh my god  
KARKAT: AN ANONYMOUS BLOG.  
DAVE: holy fucking shit  
KARKAT: ...ABOUT MOVIES AND OH MY GOD I REGRET THIS SO MUCH ALREADY!  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: KARKAT  
DAVE: you are telling me absolutely everything i want to hear right now what the fuck are you a wizard?  
KARKAT: NO I’M NOT A FUCKING WIZARD, DAVE. KNOWING THAT YOU’D PERK UP AT THE PROSPECT OF “JUICY DEETS” DOES NOT REQUIRE MAGIC POWERS.  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...and???  
KARKAT: AND WHAT?  
DAVE: what the fuck do you mean “and what?”  
DAVE: how do i find said blog and inject it immediately into my eyeballs  
DAVE: i need to see this beautiful monstrosity post fucking haste karkat  
DAVE: what was your cute lil pseudonym?  
KARKAT: ......  
DAVE: oh come the fuck ON  
DAVE: you would NOT have told me this much if you didnt have every intention of goin all the way  
KARKAT: !!  
DAVE: come on dude open up your lil cinephile heart to me  
DAVE: i swear ill be gentle  
KARKAT: NO YOU FUCKING WON'T!  
DAVE: okay maybe i wont  
DAVE: but you gotta tell me anyway  
DAVE: please??  
KARKAT: UGGGHH. FINE.  
KARKAT: MY NAME WAS...  
KARKAT: IT WAS...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: AHHHH IT WAS “VACILLATION INTOXICATION.”  
DAVE: :D  
KARKAT: BUT IT WAS ALL WRITTEN IN ALTERNIAN SO THERE’S NO WAY YOU’LL EVER FIND IT OR EVEN BE ABLE TO READ IT SO THAT’S IT! I TOLD YOU SOMETHING PRIVATE ABOUT MYSELF TO CHEER YOU THE FUCK UP AND I DID SO NOW WE’RE FUCKING EVEN AND WE NEVER HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN!  
KARKAT: END OF DISCUSSION!  
DAVE: what no obviously ill just ask terezi or kanaya or vriska  
KARKAT: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: YOU WILL *NOT*!  
DAVE: shit maybe ill ask gamzee  
DAVE: maybe ill catch a flash of him scuttlin through the fucking air ducts and ill just poke my head in after him and ask him to google somethin for me real quick  
DAVE: naw actually you know what im not askin gamzee fuck that guy  
DAVE: but my point tho is that the opportunities are endless  
DAVE: three and a half trolls endless anyway  
DAVE: im sure theyd love to help if it means gettin an eyeful of all your adorable ramblings  
DAVE: i mean goddamn considering the shit you say when everybody knows who you are, i cannot WAIT to see what youre like behind the curtain of internet anonymity  
DAVE: jesus christ i am so fucking excited  
KARKAT: NO NO NO NO YOU *CAN’T* LET THEM SEE DAVE YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME!  
KARKAT: I WOULD DIE YOU WOULD ACTUALLY BE KILLING ME!  
KARKAT: I SHARED THIS WITH *YOU* AND ONLY *YOU,* FOR SOME FUCKING IDIOTIC REASON THAT I ALREADY CAN’T COMPREHEND!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD I FUCKING *HATE* PAST ME!!  
DAVE: ugh okay fine i wont tell  
DAVE: ill just find it myself  
DAVE: i figured out how to write your real name pretty sure i can figure out your fake one  
DAVE: anyway i got hella strong suspicions that “alternian” is just english with 26 different alieny letters  
DAVE: i can crack that shit in like five minutes  
DAVE: not exactly the da vinci code you guys got goin on there  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DA VINCI CODE?  
DAVE: i donno its like some unbreakable earth code i never saw the movie  
DAVE: but whatever it is, your language aint it  
DAVE: im gonna go find your ranty lil movie blog karkat, and i will be very respectful and not go blabbin to the other trolls dont worry, but i AM gonna read the shit out of it  
DAVE: its only fair after you got your gooey yellow eyes all over my precious sacred comic  
KARKAT: AUUUGH!!  
DAVE: OR... you could read it to me  
DAVE: hows that sound  
DAVE: that way i can get the full siskel and vantas experience  
KARKAT: THE WHAT?  
DAVE: cmon dude think about it  
DAVE: if theres anything TOO embarrassing you can skip over it and ill be none the wiser  
DAVE: that is until i learn your stupid letters which, lemme remind you, will take no fuckin time at all  
DAVE: but for those first few minutes you can be blissfully censored  
DAVE: hows that  
KARKAT: UGGGGHH!!  
DAVE: cmon  
DAVE: were on this meteor for three fuckin years  
DAVE: during which were pretty much guaranteed to go absolutely batshit insane from boredom  
DAVE: the least we can do is stave off the inevitable by one more afternoon havin a fun lil chuckle over your embarrassing tween livejournal  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: AN *AFTERNOON?*  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: IS THAT SERIOUSLY HOW LONG YOU THINK THIS IS GOING TO TAKE?  
DAVE: um  
KARKAT: OH *DAVE.*  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHA *DAVE!!!*  
DAVE: karkat what the hell  
DAVE: i... i dont wanna get weird or anything but i honestly think this is the first time ive ever heard you laugh  
DAVE: and its... kind of terrifying?  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD STRIDER THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF HOW MUCH I’M GOING TO BE LAUGHING.  
DAVE: ???  
KARKAT: I WANT YOU TO PROMISE. RIGHT NOW. THAT YOU WILL READ ALL OF MY BLOG WITH ME.  
DAVE: uhh  
KARKAT: COME ON DAVE. YOU WERE SO GUNG HO A SECOND AGO. WHAT HAPPENED?  
DAVE: you started scaring the shit out of me with your weird apex predator fang smile, thats what  
DAVE: we are creeping dangerously into hannibal lecter territory here im startin to freak out  
KARKAT: PROMISE ME DAVE. JUST PROMISE THAT YOU’LL READ ALL OF MY BLOG WITH ME. THE WHOLE THING. START TO FINISH.  
DAVE: my sense of self preservation is really tellin me i shouldnt  
KARKAT: COME ON DAVE, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF. WHAT THE FUCK ELSE ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR THREE YEARS?  
DAVE: what no no way  
DAVE: there is no way in hell that you wrote three years of movie reviews  
DAVE: thats just not physically possible  
KARKAT: I DON’T LIKE TO THINK OF THEM AS “REVIEWS.”  
KARKAT: I LIKE TO THINK OF THEM MORE AS TREATISES.  
DAVE: holy shit  
KARKAT: PLEASE DAVE.  
KARKAT: PLEASE PROMISE ME THIS. YOU HAVE TO ADMIT YOU’RE CURIOUS.  
DAVE: ugggh fine  
DAVE: i promise  
DAVE: but i reserve the right to totally back out of my promise the second i decide it gets too boring or weird  
KARKAT: ...DEAL.  
DAVE: okay lets do this take me to www dot vacillation time dot troll  
DAVE: lets get fuckin entrenched in this bitch  
KARKAT: OH WE WILL DAVE. WE WILL.  



End file.
